It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad March

It’s that time of year again!

Yes, it’s time to pretend I care about basketball in any way.

By now, it’s tradition that I lay out for you some insane way of picking who will win the NCAA tourney. I’m not going to lie, I considered skipping this year. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to do it this time. I’ve covered all of the interesting ways I could think of. Then I had a stray thought - I could fight the mascots!

And then I saw the actual mascot for the Siena Saints, and I had to modify my thought.

So! Here’s how it’s going to go. I will be making my picks based on how difficult it would be for me to defeat their nickname in single combat.

Why nickname? Because the aforementioned mascot of the Siena Saints is a two-year-old Saint Bernard named Baloo.

This dog will win everything. And rightly so. I’m not fighting him.

So I’m going off of nicknames, and it’s completely up to my subjective interpretation of what that entails.

Ground rules - I am at peak physical condition with all weapons in my arsenal. If I can’t win against the nickname, they advance immediately. If I can beat both team nicknames, the harder fight advances. All of these fights are happening as if no other fights have taken place, so no accounting for rest time. Any wounds incurred are wiped out before the next fight like a Star Trek episode resetting week to week. Unless the nickname is an obvious plural, assume I’m only fighting one of the thing. (That really only happens once with the Wolfpack.) No firearms unless my opponent is likely to have one. To be clear, the nickname (team) that is harder for me to fight and defeat advances in this bracket.

Will it be ridiculous? Yes. But you weren’t expecting anything else, were you?

Let’s go.

Some of these nicknames may be wrong. I blame Google.

We’re starting in the East, because in the infinite wisdom of whomever creates these brackets, they put the East on the left side and the West on the right side. And I read left to right. (Did I complain about this last year? Probably. There will be a lot of that.)

Duke and their stupid Blue Devils that nobody knows how to define are up against the Siena Saints with their adorable Saint Bernard. And this one was easy because I can pray against a devil any time. I even know a few exorcisms. But while it’s relatively easy to kill Saints, I’d really rather not.

Next up is a nut and a frog. The frog wins because it’s gross, and the other one is a nut. Unless I have a nut allergy, which I don’t, that fight is going to be non-existent. No apologies to THE Ohio State University.

Panthers over a nebulous Red Storm, and Lancers over Jayhawks. I’m excited to do some jousting, and I can hit a bird with my slingshot. (Not that I would, Lori, but I could.) Same with the Cardinals, so the South Florida Bulls would move forward.

The next fights are a little more interesting. It would be fascinating to fight a Spartan. They don’t wear armor (based solely on 300), so there’s a lot of opportunity to get some damage in. But I’d also be fighting a bison. Or multiple bison.

(Side tangent: did you know there is a whole Wikipedia page for Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo? It’s fantastic. I love everything about it. They diagrammed the sentence, even! I swooned! My favorite illustration is below.)

By LennyTalerico - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=61294923

Anyway. I’m not going to pick a fight with a bison. I think they’d leave me alone if I didn’t poke them. Spartans? Probably not. So I’ll give a pass to Michigan State here.

I had a similar thought process when determining fighting a Bruin (bear) or a Knight. Unlike Spartans, Knights generally wear armor, but there are weak spots, and you best believe I’d be in my own armor. Probably against the bear, too, for that matter. If I’m in armor, I’m killing a bear. So I’ll let the Knights advance for this one.

I’ll get into the whole Paladin situation in the next round because fighting one is harder than fighting a husky. Please recall that this is a hypothetical fight. I don’t want to fight a husky.

Moving South, regardless of what happens with Prairie View and Lehigh, I’m not looking forward to fighting a Gator. I’m going to have to draw on my extensive watching of Steve Irwin. (Yes, I know an alligator is not a crocodile. The principle is the same. Probably.)

This next one might be controversial. You might not think a Cowboy could put up more of a fight than a Commodore. But operating on the principle that officers (especially high-ranking ones) get a bit lazy, I think I’ll have a harder time fighting a cowboy. Especially on land. (Notwithstanding the badassery of Commodore Perry.)

Obviously, a tar heel is going to be hampered by the fact that their feet will be stuck to the ground, so the Rams win this one. I’m somewhat controversially putting the Illini ahead of the Quakers because as much as an Illini is poorly definable, whatever it is will probably fight back, unlike a Quaker.

I have a bias against the concept of an Aggie, so I’m going to advance the Gaels, which, as we remember from last year, is an Irish warrior. If our fight is a drinking contest, I will lose every time.

Contrary to popular belief, a Vandal is more than just someone who makes a mess. The Vandals were early Poles, and they evolved into barbarian hordes. Unless you’re defining Cougars as older women preying on younger men, then I will find the fight against the Vandal more complicated.

To the West! I’m not entering the water to fight a shark, so I’m going to give it to the Wildcats, and again, Wildcats will be harder to defeat than some stupid Aggie.

As much as I want to choose Badgers because they are cute and wily, I do think Panthers would be harder to fight. I’m a little less certain on Razorbacks versus Rainbow Warriors. The whole rainbow thing just sounds wimpy, but I generally think people would be harder to fight than a feral pig. Also, I have a boar spear now, so Hawaii moves forward.

I don’t know who the BYU Cougars are playing yet, but it’s either Longhorns or a Wolfpack. I don’t want to fight either of those, so BYU is out. See the bird argument above for why the Gonzaga Bulldogs are winning over the Kennesaw St. Owls.

How do you fight a Hurricane? I don’t think you do. I think you just either evacuate or hope for the best. I have a few ideas for how to fight a Tiger, but I’m going to hand this one to Missouri because a hurricane fight just sounds dumb.

Boilermaker arms beat Royal brains.

For the Midwest, Wolverines are vicious. That is all.

I am personally offended by the concept of a Billiken. It’s going down. I don’t even care that I can’t properly define an Athletic.

Whatever a Zip is, it’s got to be easier to fight than a Red Raider. And since a Pride means a whole heap of lions, I’m picking it over whatever nonsense counts as a Crimson Tide.

Volunteers over whoever wins between Redhawks and Mustangs.

Cavaliers and Raiders is a tough one until you look up pictures of cavaliers. They look French and flouncy, so I’ll pick the guerilla fighters.

I’m more afraid of Broncos than I am of Wildcats, so Santa Clara advances.

Again, we have a weather phenomenon versus a Tiger. I don’t know how to fight a Cyclone, though I’m reminded of that one video I have never known the origin or authenticity of where a soldier jumps into a dust cyclone. Let’s just go with the Tiger.

This brings us here:

I’m going to move relatively quickly through the second round.

Saints over Frogs, Lancers over Panthers, Spartans over Bulls. Yes, I’m favoring people over animals. But I have Paladins and Knights now. And paladins are legendary knights. They are the ideal of chivalric customs. So I think the Paladins have to be harder to fight than regular Knights.

I think I’d have a harder time with a Tiger than a Gator, especially if I take lessons from Swamp People.

I was originally going to pick the Trojans over the Cowboys, but historically, Trojans are not great with horses.

We’re getting rid of the Illini here, and we’re continuing on with our Gaels.

Interestingly, back in the West, we have Wildcats against Wildcats. I’m going to pick the Arizona Wildcats purely because of climate. The Rainbow Warriors advance over the Panthers, and the Bulldogs are easier to fight than Longhorns or a Wolfpack. In keeping with choosing people over animals, the Boilermakers will be harder to fight than a Tiger.

Again. Wolverines. Yikes.

Red Raiders over a pack of lions.

I am showing a little bias by picking the Volunteers next because while I think Raiders would be difficult and unpredictable, I appreciate the history attached to a Volunteer. They are fighting for a cause.

And because a Tiger scares me more than a horse, and it’s funny to have Tennessee State play Tennessee, the Broncos are out.

And we’re now in the Sweet 16!

Some people will think me foolish for having kept the Saints in this long. But let’s be honest about what I was fighting previously - a devil and a frog. A horned frog, yes, but it’s not going to inspire a lot of fear or hardship. While I’m not that interested in fighting a saint, as I do think they would tend to have God on their side, I’m going to take the path of least resistance. And quite frankly, as much as I enjoy jousting, it is a lot harder to fight a Lancer than it would be to fight a saint. Honestly, most of the saints are saints because they didn’t fight back. Soooo… Cal Baptist advances.

We now have Spartans against Paladins. I debated on this one. We still have the non-armored Spartan problem, and even if I’m playing DND, it would take more work to defeat a paladin. Furman advances.

Tigers against Cowboys - I know I had tigers beating horses before, but it’s not just horses this time. It’s cowboys potentially on horses. The human/horse combo stands up to a tiger any day. (Nobody wants to have a Centaur nickname. I can’t imagine why.) McNeese advances.

There is no universe in which Rams are going to be harder to fight than an Irishman. Especially on St. Patrick’s Day. St. Mary’s advances.

The last cat to remain in the fight is the Wildcat from Arizona. And as much as I hate the concept of the Rainbow Warrior, I do think the humans would be harder to fight and defeat. Hawaii advances.

We still don’t know if it’s going to be Longhorns or a Wolfpack, but as much as I think a Wolfpack would be difficult to take down, I do think I could aim for the Alpha and hope for the best. (This is not actually how wolfpacks work.) But a Boilermaker? Again, those arms! Purdue advances.

I have been riding the Wolverine hype train, but against a Red Raider? Or just any raider - I guess it doesn’t have to be red. Texas Tech advances.

Oh, hey! There actually is another cat! I forgot about the last Tiger. But again, I’m going to default to the Volunteer. There’s just something about a man who leaves home to fight a war for his rights (or rats, regardless of what they might be). I have to respect that. Tennessee advances.

And then there were Eight.

In the East, I’m fighting a Lancer and a Paladin. In the South, I’m fighting a Cowboy and a Gael. In the West, I’m fighting a Rainbow Warrior and a Boilermaker. In the Midwest, I’m fighting a Red Raider and a Volunteer. It’s getting serious, now. Everyone except the Cowboy and the Boilermaker are practiced in the art of war, so it’s somewhat objective as to which ones I think I would do better in a fight against. I’m not going to claim complete victory because that would be asking a lot. But we all know I’m not above fighting dirty when pressed. My best hypothesis for how each of these fights is going to go is this:

The Lancer will be more difficult because a Paladin may or may not have a horse. And a lance has longer reach.

I feel justified in placing the Gael above a Cowboy.

I am of two minds about the Rainbow Warrior. Obviously, it’s a stupid name, and I think they’d either recognize that and surrender out of shame or fight harder in an effort to prove they don’t care about the name. Either way, I think a Boilermaker is going to have a better grip and grapple.

Finally, a Volunteer is steady and righteous. A Raider is capricious and flighty. I will buy him off.

We have arrived at the Final Four. And we may be at a point where I’m not sure I would survive all of these fights. But I think I can hold out longest against a Boilermaker and a Lancer. Sure, the Boilermaker has the arms, but he’s weak in the legs (in my completely manufactured universe). And a Lancer has very specific rules for who wins in a joust. The Gael isn’t going to honor rules, and the Volunteer is going to be very annoyed when he finds out I’m a Yankee.

Thus, we have our championship game: The Tennessee Volunteers against the St. Mary’s Gaels. I’m tempted to just let these two duke it out, but I made a promise (A promise, Mr. Frodo!).

You have probably guessed the winner by now. I certainly didn’t going into this, but seeding really matters when it comes to these things. If it was a giant free-for-all, this likely would have come out differently. And how do you account for weather phenomenon? Would I be able to fight animals and survive? I think quite highly of myself, but you may have a different opinion. There’s really no way to be objective about this unless we set up all of these fights in actuality, in which case I’m moving to an undisclosed location.

Anyway.

As you probably guessed, I’m declaring the Tennessee Volunteers the winner.

I look forward to being absolutely correct in all of these picks. I see no reason why I shouldn’t be. And if you want to create AI art of some of these fights, I will be thrilled. This is a proper use of AI.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. I certainly enjoyed writing it!