Ooh-La-Gala

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. A confession, if you will.

I’m fascinated by the Met Gala.

I don’t know when my fascination started. But at some point, I became aware that this event existed, and I realized that it was specially curated for me to judge the heck out of and feel no guilt whatsoever.

For the uninitiated, the Met Gala is a yearly fundraising event to benefit the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute. It’s billed as a charity, but I have a feeling the ‘charity’ is synonymous with the Met’s bank account.

Anyway, it’s super exclusive and incredibly expensive. Anna Wintour is the dictator/chairperson. She’s important for reasons. There’s a theme every year that supports whatever collection the Costume Institute is displaying that season. Attendees are encouraged to dress accordingly, and this creates a fascinating combination of people who fit into one of the following Punnett Squares.

Yes, this does reflect the 2026 Met Gala. Look them up at your peril.

This event attracts controversy like dung attracts beetles, and ‘journalists’ will farm content from it for hundreds of puff pieces for roughly 36 hours. Then it slips back into the ether until next year or they need a stock photo of someone looking great or ridiculous, and they pull out their own Punnett Squares (as, I assume, they’ve created).

I don’t actually watch the event. I don’t even know if that’s a thing. I come along about 36 hours later to see the round-up of photos and judge them accordingly. My judgments rarely reflect those of the so-called experts, but then again, there’s fashion and then there’s fashion. Fashion is whatever. I’ll wear what I want to wear. Fashion is ridiculous and impractical and interesting and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to wear something that can quite literally be off-the-wall.

Anyway, I feel compelled to give you my judgments of this year’s crop of wonks. Or celebrities. 6 of one, half dozen of another.

(I can’t actually show you the photos because Getty will put a hit out on me, so if you want to look them up, you can, but I do recommend caution. I tend not to like the outfits that use less than a yard of fabric, but some of them can be tastefully done. If you still want to see the photos I’m working from, you can go to the People article I used. But still. Some of these people must have forgotten to get dressed. I think there was a memo before the event suggesting that boobs and booty cheeks counted as art [they don’t], and the random swirls were just insane.)

((Also, I try to divorce my personal opinion of the person - if I even know who they are - from my opinion of their outfit, but some people are just so odious that it’s really hard to do that. I’ll try to keep the personal comments at a minimum, but some of these people are fugly.))

I don’t have a particular order, nor do I think I have an absolute favorite this year. The theme was “Fashion Is Art,” which is super lame and extremely broad, but I guess it’s loosely related to the costuming exhibit, so make of that what you will. I’m just going to go in order of the pics on the People website, so if you’re following along, remember the warning and be prepared to scroll past some extremely horrific sights. (You might want to do a CTRL+F to jump directly to the person.)

***

Ugh. I forgot that Madonna comes up first. Before you freak out, she’s not on the list of likes. Well, I like the thing on her head that reminds me of the Flying Dutchman, but I put her on my side list of “Madonna Needs To Stop.” She looks terrible, she’s not aging gracefully, and she looks like the sludge that collects on the water above a shipwreck. I hate the dress, too.

Jay-Z got an honorable mention because I love the suit, but I hate the dreds.

I wasn’t sure about Anne Hathaway because, while she does look great, the dress felt a little too simple. But then I learned that the hand and dove were painted on, so that elevated it above ‘fine.’ I think the bodice is too busy, though.

Everything I’ve learned about Kris Jenner has been against my will, but I have to say, I really liked her Met Gala look. It works really well for her. The colors are great, and it fits the theme without being too on-the-nose. I would wear that robe.

Daisy Edgar-Jones just looks really pretty.

I can’t stand Rachel Zegler, and she needs to tell her face to stop facing, but I actually really liked her look. Even the eye mask.

Jennie (from BLACKPINK - it’s a K-Pop thing) has a great dress. I’m partial to metallic elements. I don’t know how much it fits the theme, but it’s super fun nonetheless.

Naomi Osaka is stunning. I love when people pull off dual outfits, and she might actually have my favorite look of the night. I don’t like the nails, but I’m willing to overlook them.

The Rock should be ashamed of himself.

I appreciate the understated elegance of Charli xcx.

Lila Moss pulled off a modern twist on the flapper look from the ‘20s. The architecture of her dress is fantastic.

Men’s fashion tends to take a backseat, which is understandable, but there are a few that can really elevate the classic look. Romeo Beckham rocked his Burberry suit.

Georgina Chapman has terrible taste in boyfriends, but I loved the contrasting fabrics of her dress. Very elegant.

Audrey Nuna just made me think of Cruella de Vil, and I appreciate that.

Sunday Rose Kidman Urban won the award for most names and also for pulling off what is essentially a skirt on top of a skirt. Also, she kind of snuck in, and that just makes me laugh.

I wasn’t sold on Lindsey Vonn’s dress at first, but I love the arm sleeve detailing and the fact that it’s reminiscent of her sporting environment.

Alysa Liu got unnecessary hate for a ‘simple’ dress, but I like it. It’s like one of those crocheted blankets that rolls up into a bouquet of roses.

Karina (from aespa, also K-Pop) rocked the opera coat.

Paul Anthony Kelly added just the perfect pop of color. And no tie? Swoon!

Ben Platt took the theme almost too literally, but it looks cool, so I’ll allow it.

Emma Chamberlain gets an honorable mention as well. I hate the styling, but I loved the colors and the dye on the dress train.

Paloma Elsesser walked the line of showing skin, but her dress is gorgeous. I love the pattern, the colors, even the styling.

Grace Ling looked Fierce. The structure of that bodice - chef’s kiss! I wish I could pull off something like that.

Finally, Tory Burch rocked vintage elegance. There’s enough architecture to the dress to elevate it from an LBD. Did it fulfill the brief? Probably not. But she still looked great.

***

Obviously, there were a lot of people I didn’t mention. Some of them, like Cardi B, were just Awful. She looked like a walking tumor. I guess she was supposed to be an intestine? I don’t know why.

There were elements in some outfits I liked, but they just didn’t fit in with the total aesthetic. And some people just don’t look good. There’s no getting around it.

And if you don’t think I should be judging people like this for whatever reason, 1) they want to be looked at and judged; 2) the First Amendment exists; 3) Welcome to the Office of Too Frickin’ Bad.

Also, if you attend the Met Gala, I just assume that you’re probably evil and drinking baby blood at the party we don’t get to see.

Prove me wrong.